@0point5twins

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

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@ArfMeasures

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

@DaddyJew

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

@krisv_723

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

@edawg_eric

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

@BigJDubz

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

@TheBoydP

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

@SladeWentworth

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

@Dawn_M_

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

@SondraDeeMe

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.