1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

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Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident


IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?


H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.


If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee


Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.


Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken


Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer


Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.


This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.


My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.