1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

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The sign at the McDonald’s I just passed says “We hiring” in case you’re wondering what kind of qualifications you need to have to be hired.


My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.


*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby


I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning


[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too


Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer


Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.

Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.

Boss: Just get out.


Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run


[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.