AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
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I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My surname: ‘Ever.’ My given forename: ‘Superior’. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
If you ask me to review a restaurant, I have two answers. “The hamburgers are good.” And, “They don’t have hamburgers.”
Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again
I’m sorry my dollar isn’t straight enough for you, homophobic vending machine.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here