QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
You Might Also Like
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.