Questions you NEVER need to ask a preschooler:
– how do you like your meal?
– do you mind repeating that?
– care to join me in the bathroom?
– learned any new noises lately?

Got any to add?

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me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty


me: why does no one like me

therapist: [flips through notes] i could give you so many reasons


Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?


Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”


Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.


Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?


*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.


Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.


If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.