me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Questions you NEVER need to ask a preschooler:
– how do you like your meal?
– do you mind repeating that?
– care to join me in the bathroom?
– learned any new noises lately?
Got any to add?
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me: why does no one like me
therapist: [flips through notes] i could give you so many reasons
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Want his attention?
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.
Air conditioning – not a fan
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.