All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
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director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
mentally somewhere in italy
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo