Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…

it’s a running joke…

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out