Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
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Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
as the prophecy foretold
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then