Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.