Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.