Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
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the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.