Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
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Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?