Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
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What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.