Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

Time for evil

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

is it too early for christmas memes

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time