Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
You Might Also Like
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Oh deer
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you