Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
You Might Also Like
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
linkedin the good parts
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours