quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
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Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter