Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

Never deleting this app.

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

#Caturday

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am