Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!