quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
My last name is Zilla.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.