Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
You Might Also Like
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Your secret is safeish with me
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
making sure he doesnt get away
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow