Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

Pigeon open mic night.

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.