Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
![]()
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.