Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
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you’re not fooling anyone
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
How can I say no to this ?
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.