Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
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Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
#polloftheday
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.