“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
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If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.