“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
You Might Also Like
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”