“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
This meeting could have been a cake
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!