God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
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[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[Delta Airlines Interview]
Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I would hunt for my own food, but I don’t think Mac and cheese roam in packs.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I won’t undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.