@nextgaara

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

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@QwertyJones3

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

@realHamOnWry

[Delta Airlines Interview]

Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

@KateWhineHall

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

@ShellHasDragons

I would hunt for my own food, but I don’t think Mac and cheese roam in packs.

@petemandik

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

@Dawn_M_

I won’t undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts.

@SwirlySkittles

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

@AmericanGent69

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.