Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
You Might Also Like
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
love it when they get my name right
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
He has no idea 🤡
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?