Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
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You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.