Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.