Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?