Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
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I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker