Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.

That’s it.I’m out.

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.