Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm