Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
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DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Tough love is true love
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Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
They grow up so quick
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[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Roses are red
Violets are blue![]()
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!