quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
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Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
only 11 steps left
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
it be like that
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
#ParentingFacts
