Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*