Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
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Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
2024 has been a rough few years
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*