Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
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8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.