Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

So creative 😂

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?