Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

why neck hurt