Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
You Might Also Like
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.