Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
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Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
That’s classic.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.