Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
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Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again