Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
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My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.