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H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
My birthstone is kidney
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??