Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
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Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.