Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”