Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
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“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Breaking news:
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
listen closely
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside