Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you