quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
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“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.