Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler