Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.