Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

Oops 🤭

Am I having a stroke?

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.