quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
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Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
$3 #books
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags