quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
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[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”