Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

Haha! 😂

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

a public service announcement

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism