Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
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[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.