Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
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ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no