Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
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If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.