Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.