Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.