[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
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Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.