Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
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WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG