Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
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it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.