Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
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Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101