*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
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Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.