Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?