Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes