Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

#parenting

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest