Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.