Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

A short story of betrayal:

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.