*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Finally, an explanation.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
wow he looks just like him
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?