Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

LOOOOOOL

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.