Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist