[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
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“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.