Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?