*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
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Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Only short people can save us
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
one last job
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired