Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.