Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?