Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

knights of the ikea table

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

I think about this cartoon a lot.

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

Can Happiness buy money?

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”