*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
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ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
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Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
So we got a goldfish…
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
#Caturday
love it when they get my name right
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…