*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
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Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food